Big but,
Yes I was a referee back in my day and I was terrible, I wasn't mature enough to listen to the advice I was given, I was a cockhead referee (I remember giving a coach a tech foul with 3 seconds to play. in a 1 point game, I quit shortly after that) I dont give advice cause I was a good referee I give advice cause I now know what I (as a coach) consider a good referee to be.
As for how the ref saw the play should be told by the call they made, example:
Referee: **Tweet** travel Souths ball
Coach: what?? that is a terrible call
Referee: Coach I was all over that play she moved her pivot foot
Coach: (no response of any intelligence)
I think it is clear that the referee saw a travel, how he/she saw it is irrelavant cause I know they wont change the call if they are wrong.
I would be happy to attend these meetings however to my knowledge I have never been invited to one.
I have also asked to take the top level referees course to be informed of how the referees have been taught but I have been told I couldn't attend top level courses without going through the levels, and quite honestly I cant afford to spend over 20 hours going through the courses when I have no interest in refereeing again.
As for stopping the abuse I dont abuse to be a prick to the referee, although it may come off that way. I dont take anything from the game as personal (anymore) like it or not the ABA level is professional and should be treated as such, there are no grudges in basketball, bad calls are made, coaches are asses, players leave clubs, coaches poach players, players quit, coaches are fired. It's all business not personal. I will argue calls, I will say that a referee is not calling it both ways, and I will tell a referee when I think they are wrong, but I try to keep it in the framework of the game, I dont get tech fouls that much because most referees have a decent understanding of the game and understanding what my complaints are (that doesn't mean that they agree however). What comes off as abuse are the situations where a referee refuses to talk to me when I ask, so I feel I have to yell and carry on like a jack ass to get a conversation.
Will my "abuse" stop? probably not but it wont be personal just game related.
And as for all referees not being the best communicators, I am refering, solely, to ABA standard I think I am justified in demanding a higher level of maturity and game sense. I dont expect any green shirts out on saturday nights.
During the Summer season I did get a tech foul for swearing at my assistant coach (my language gets a little colourful during games, ask the starplex bench) I believe I said to my assistant we are playing terrible fu!@#ng offense. When I asked the referee why I got a tech and not a warning (as I didn't abuse anyone with my language) he refused to walk over to me to explain that he felt it didn't matter who I swore at, it was inapproiate. (fair comment) he made me walk out to centre court (which is a tech-able action) to have that conversation. I didn't argue the tech (as it was a fair call) but it would have been a mature gesture for the ref to come and explain when asked during a stoppage in play.
Hope that answers some of your concerns.