..................... my god.....

please never again Sturty

I hope that was a cut and paste job cause it wasn't worth the effort to type it.

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he
realized
>he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she
could
>have some brought up to the register.
>
>She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't
know.
>She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter,
>grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large
>condoms, Register 5."
>
>The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us,
was
>up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker

>that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have
some

>brought to the register for him.
>
>She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked
him
>to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the
>intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
>
>A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was

>way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
>female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register
he
>told the checker he needed some condoms.
>
>She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
drop
>his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
>squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(you'll love this one...................)
>
>
>

>
>
>"Cleanup, Register 5"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."

(You're going to love this.....)

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

Hahahaha!
Lockstock takes the gold, MC silver. And Sturty6ers is disqualified, that joke was terrible lol!!!

Duncan, the humble crab, and Kate, the Lobster Princess, were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed.

"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled away, sidewards, into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS...

Yes FORWARDS!!!! One claw after another!!

Step by step, he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush................

For quite a while ...........................















Finally, the crab spoke .......























"F *ck, I'm pissed."

Shorty was a young lad who looked up to his bigger brother. Shorty's Big Brother always had nice clothes, drove a nice car and had a stunning new girlfriend every week.

One day shorty asked his big brother what his secret was and he replied..." well lilltle bro , its all in the car. Get your self a panel van and watch all the good looking girls pay you more attention "

He took his brothers advice and went straight out and purchased a Sandman Panel Van, fully decked out in the back. Sure enough the very next day, the prettiest girl at Uni gave him her phone number, the minute she saw his shiny new panel van.

On the weekend Shorty went around to his new girlfriends house and took her to the local drive in movie theatre. As the evening progressed, things got a littl heated in the front seat, so shorty's new girlfriend suggested they move to the back of the panel van. So sooner had the young lovers gotten themselves comfortable, shorty's girlfiend suggested that bondage and pain was her thing and that she wanted to be whipped. Shorty was stumped....he didnt have a whip, so he raced out the back of his new shiny car and snapped of the aerial, jumped back in and began to satisfy his new girlfriend as she requested.

Not long after the evening finished and shorty dropped his girlfiend home satisfied that his big brother had been right all along ..........all he need was that panel van from the start. A few days went by and shorty hadn't heard from his new girlfriend so he decided to drop around to her place for a visit. When he walked in, straight away he knew there was a problem. The sad look on shorty's girlfriends face suggested a huge problem.












Was she pregnant ?.....no was her response.......worse , she said.






Worse thought shorty , what could be worse.....Whats the matter he asked again.




Shorty she said
























Ive got Van Aerial Disease

Slow day on hoops.com

With the amount of seafood jokes on here today, i couldn't help myself!!

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.

The motorist accepted.

That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

He decided to compliment the chef.

Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"


"No," the man replied,
(wait for it!)


"I'm the chip monk."

What do you get when you cross a cat with a fish?

















A Catfish.

What do you call a camel in a paddock?









(wait for it, you're not going to guess the right answer)












One dollar!!!


Bahahahahaha - don't get it? That's ok, neither do I!

wtf?

ok ive got one
there was this girl with no arms and no legs sittin on the edge of a jetty.
after a short time, a guy walked past and the girl started cryin.
the guy walked up 2 her n said 'y r u cryin', the girl replied 'well, u see..ive never been hugged before..' so the guy picked her up, gave her a hug, and put her back down again. just as he was walkin away, the girl started cryin again. the guy walked up 2 her n said 'watz wrong now?' the girl replied 'well, ive never been kissed before..' so the guy picked her up n gave her a kiss. just when the guy was walkin away again, the girl started crying. The guy walked up 2 her n said 'ok, watz wrong now?'. The girl replied '...well, u see, ive never been screwed before....' So the guy picked her up and threw her into the ocean and shouted 'well ur screwed now arent ya!!!!!'

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."